TEREZUM

Parenting is the only job you care about on your death bed.

I think that this statement sums up the essence from this very interesting podcast about honing your parenting skills.

Dr. Becky Kennedy in conversation with Andrew Huberman is managing to pinpoint on the basic things that a parent should focus on. Your job as a parent should be about sturdyness and setting boundaries. We need to validate the feelings of our children while we set them healthy boundaries for them because they need them . As Becky says “my only job is to keep you safe, not happy with me, as a parent”.

In today’s world of fast gratification adults’ tolerance to their children’s tantrums are at an all time low. You can experience moments when you feel like you are a bad parent. It is vital to separate your identity from your behaviour ( in such dire circumstances Becky suggests a funny mantra to repeat in your mind : “I’m a good parent having a bad time”).

It is very beneficial to say to a child “I hear you” or “I understand you” while maintaining the boundary. Most of the times parents lack sturdyness and confidence in their ability to say no. The child picks up on it and forces the breaking of the rules. In these moments the adult needs to show firmness backed up by a genuine desire to understand and validate the child. Children need to learn how to tolerate frustration. They need to be told no once in a while. They need a leader .

Adults have to understand that controlling your child deprives them of the valuable experience of learning. The neural pathways for this process are obstructed when the parent always intervenes, overcontrolling the child. I only control what I don’t trust, when I bribe the child to do something. When I use this method I basically tell the child that I do not trust them so they end up thinking that they’re bad. This form of education explains the rise in mental issues. After a screaming or bribing event kids have two options: self-blame or self-doubt. The parents is responsible to initiate the repair and follow through in gaining the trust of the child again. Yelling, offending or manipulating a child will leave severe marks on their mental well being.

Becky also mentions a very overlooked aspect in the parenting field: prioritizing your partner before your kids. Meeting your non-carer needs as an adult is of paramount importance. Children need their parents to have a good relationship. Do not make the mistake of focusing on your child only and leaving your partner on the side.

I have made a nice review of this long podcast yet I strongly advise you to watch the original long interview in order to reap the whole benefits from watching an expert delve into the topic of good parenting.