TEREZUM

You don’t have to have children to find this book useful. It would really be a good idea to read it before you have children.

1. As a parent you are responsible for your own behavior and reconciliation will not happen if you try to blame someone else.

2. It’s not good that the school favors left-hemisphere learning activities when young children are right-hemisphere beings!

3. Stories have a crucial role in the development of the child’s process of self-understanding.

The book begins with useful information about the different types of memory: explicit and implicit. Implicit memory is an early type of nonverbal memory and it is where events of which we are not aware can be recorded. The baby can store the memory of a traumatic moment in the body, and years later a certain trigger can trigger those memories without the adult being aware of it.

I found the details about our cerebral hemispheres very interesting. The left hemisphere has a linear, logical perspective based on language and good-versus-evil thinking, while the right hemisphere processes information non-linearly and holistically, being under the sway of intense and spontaneous emotions and a recorder for mental models of the self. Children are right hemisphere beings and despite this fact the school focuses on left hemisphere activities. It is deeply wrong. This detail is vital because if you as an adult are not in touch with your emotions and do not allow yourself to work with your right hemisphere at the wheel then you will not be able to understand your child.

When our children tell us what they think and feel, it is important to respect their experience, whether or not it is similar to our own. Parents would do better to listen and understand their children’s experience, instead of telling them that what they think and feel is not valid (Daniel Siegel)

A very interesting and revealing exercise was this: write three words that describe the relationship with your own child – is it similar to what you would use to describe the relationship with your own parent?

In order to get along with your child, you need to have an aligned, integrative, conjugated communication with him. That is, to have the ability to have a mutual exchange of signals, to be present in the interactions with him. You need as a parent to understand that a preschooler cannot put his feelings into words because one part of his brain – the corpus callosum – is not developed enough! Many times the adult is tempted to think that the child’s emotional outbursts are a sign of bad will, but if you knew that their brains are actually not developed enough for more, would you still be so severe? It’s like being angry at a one-month-old baby for not wanting to stand up. It is ideal to choose the higher path, when we consciously determine how to respond to the child’s behavior, to the detriment of the lower path, where we have impulsive reactions to the children’s actions.

Secure attachment is another vital element in parenting. This type of attachment is crucial, especially in the ruptures and repairs that inevitably happen in any relationship. When you have the confidence that you are loved and respected you can put aside the element of shame and take a step towards reconciliation.

Studies have shown that a parent whose trauma or loss has not been processed will most likely engage in the same type of behavior that will frighten their children and create disorganized attachment in them (Daniel Siegel)

The first years of life will be decisive. Children need “dyadic adjustment”, i.e. a genuine connection with the caregivers, an emotional presence synchronized with their needs. It is not enough to just be physically present. The child senses when your mind is elsewhere and this will affect the connection between you.

Learn to tell stories to your child. He can understand a lot about himself and others from the stories. You can also keep a diary for yourself as a parent in which you write down your difficult moments so that you can observe yourself objectively. Many times you will notice that the reactions to your child have more to do with your own childhood and trauma than with what you think the child did wrong.

Last but not least, you need to learn to be emotionally intelligent, to show flexibility, and to continuously work on resolving your own traumas that you had in your relationship with your parents. This will be the most beautiful gift you will give your child: a healed, conscious, authentic and present adult.

Parenthood gives us the opportunity to re-educate ourselves by understanding our early experiences (Daniel Siegel)