TEREZUM

Autumn has come. There is always such a sweet feast for the eyes to see my go-to forest in my town during this time. I do not know about you, but I feel so trapped in these tiny concrete buildings we call home. I dream about living in a house with a big yard and about waking up and seeing green life in front of my eyes. I want to be grateful for what I have because it was something I wanted for so long, yet I feel that I belong somewhere in nature more than in a confined space in town.

I can’t help but feel a bit melancholic once in a while. And then , with all of my strenght, I go to the forest. And I feel peace.

I admire how nicely the colours are shifting. The light. When I catch some good light in my walks I am always in awe. Could I ever paint this splendor on paper and render its true beauty?

I am going through a painter’s block right now. Since I came back from my Denmark adventure it feels so hard to get back to painting. I do not know why. I just feel stuck and someday even hopeless. It seems such a big thing until I go on my walks and I forget about everything. I remember that even the people with the biggest achievements turned back into the soil like simple flesh. I look at the tarmac that I am walking on and recognize the work of many men who have built our society, with all of the inventions and hard work. As a woman I feel admiration and gratitude. It is not often that I realize that we might take for granted everything the past generations have build for us.

I have read the other days that the human being is the only creature in the world that tries to justify its own existence. The trees, the animals don’t even try. They just are. I am still trying to not feel guilty whenever I am not doing anything productive and I allow myself to just be. I used to feel very guilty about this and I have tracked this back to my childhood days. We are born perfect yet as we grow up the others around us teach us about our imperfections. Ironic isn’t it?

I arrive at one of my favourite spots and I take off my boots and my socks. I have read about the practice of grounding, as in sitting barefoot in nature. It just allows me to feel more in sync with the Planet and more relaxed. It feels rejuvenating. I sit in silence. I wish I would not have to go back to town. The noise of the cars, the constant agitation, the blocks of concrete, everything seems like a chaos for my ears. Has it happened to you to feel that after you exposed yourself to some time in nature that you can’t find any sense in the chaos we have built in this urban jungle? Maybe it is just my artistic nature, my romantic and melancholic side that makes me yearn for silence…

I wonder what could autumn teach me. The lesson of letting go? The fact that there is always a silver lining despite the suffering? The beauty of transformation? The richness that diversity brings?

It has been a while since I saw down barefoot, looking at the sky, doing absolutely nothing….every imperfectly perfect human being should try that. It feels like I can be enough just the way I am.